There is a lot of conditioning and shaming out there about being “too greedy” or “taking too much”. We have been told to be smaller in so many ways – physically, emotionally, energetically, socially. This energetic be-littling has created a kind of self-denial which disconnects us from our powerful desires.
As when you deny and restrict your own hunger for life, even with the intention of gaining love, you actually starve your precious heart of it.
So much energy is needed to control the immense desire of Life within us. It takes all of our focus and effort to damn that flow. Even then, it’s not fully possible to contain. It bursts forth, maybe in anger, anxiety or resentment. Or it becomes channelled inwards through self-diminishment, censorship or malignancy. For when we deny our heart, we deny our magic.
When we attempt to silence or refuse what our heart is asking, we look at satiating its powerful call through other means. Sometimes, we may try to speak over the heart. This may be through overconsumption - food, social media, shopping - to fill the chasm of lack inside. Yet, our hands or mouths somehow remain empty and open for more. We may attempt to ignore or numb our hearts, sedating ourselves with anything that gives temporary relief. Or, perhaps, we look to distract ourselves from our heart’s laments through chronic busy-ness. Filling our time with endless dramas and running through our lives at staccato pace. Yet, still, the Heartsong follows us wherever we go. Even in the merest whisper, it speaks volumes. It bubbles up within us, an unstoppable spring. It follows us like a shadow. If we stop for even a moment, here it is, so off we go racing or grabbing again. We know we have this heart desire, we feel its deep natural yearning, but we are no longer sure how to listen or respond to it.
Having experienced my own challenges with disordered eating, though one could actually argue these extended far beyond eating, I know what it is like to not trust my own desires. To see them as something threatening and wild. I picked up the message early that taking, or being, what others deemed “too much” was not a good option. So, I got very small instead, on every level. Very controlled. Very vigilant. Very weary of the Life within me and malnourished on the fullness of shame.
This lead me to be in a place where it was hard to receive all I truly needed or even know what that was. There was a sense of deep unworthiness and fear of taking too much, being a burden and facing rejection because of it. Being seen as greedy or needy would be one of the worse things, better to be needless and wanting for nothing, surely? Not desiring anything would mean I was safe. It would mean keeping those I love safe too. Having to go without true nourishment, I fervently wanted to avoid doing harm through taking away someone else’s. However, the key words here are “taking away”. For the energy of greed operates on a frequency of lack, not the abundant energy of love. We take what we don’t need because we don’t believe it will be there when we need it. Greed is harmful because it is seeded with a distrust in Life itself.
When you do not trust life, you do not trust your heart’s desires. When you do not trust your heart’s desires, you do not trust life. You live in deprivation of pleasure and the gift of truly being known. Even by yourself. Your tight grip gives you the sense that at any moment you may shatter from the inside out. With an constant internal dialogue of second guessing, “Is this too much? What would people think? Can I really take up this much space? Feel this nourished? This whole? This supported? Could I truly allow myself to rest here?” You try so hard and control so much. You begin to expect this same striving from others, leading you to project this discomfort of constriction. Judging people if you sense that they may be not drinking in the same levels of self-denial. It is so painful to live like this. To try to subdue the candle that burns so naturally bright within us all.
It is this same eternal fire, like the boundless burning stars, that can guide us back to the Love wishing to express through us. No matter how lost or forgotten we may feel, its smouldering embers are forever within. It is through our will to heal that it reignites, melting heartache into heart wisdom. It is with our self-acceptance and self-liberation that we are set aglow. We understand that our pure desire is not a weakness nor fault but a powerful gift. It is an essential part of our Universal Magic. As we become increasingly receptive to this great beauty, we actually begin to create more of it in the world. We even become Beauty. Our presence emanating its frequency though all our connections. We start to feel safer taking our place in the world and sharing our gifts because we feel safer within ourselves. We can rest in the stillness and spaciousness of accepting who we are. We can hear our heart, receive its nectar, and pollinate all of Life with this nourishment. We are finally made full with our love of Life and can allow Life to love us fully.
As I type these words, one of my children rushes back inside after leaving for school. He tenderly cradles a fragrant frangipani flower as an offering for me. This gift of heart, given with innocent and abundant freedom, feels like the gentle breath of Love acknowledging itself in these words. Whispering to us, in the language of beauty, to know your heart is to know your magic.
Bless your heart and all its magic,
xxxEmily
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